(no subject)

So I've decided to actually start to write in my journal. I didn't think it was fair for me to constantly check my friends list and other people's journals without giving anything back. That's not friendship. It's actually sort of twisted. So to all my friends, etc.: I'm really sorry. It wasn't fair of me to be so one-sided.

The thing is, I'm an English major. And as such, I always feel that everything I write has to be a literary masterpiece. I feel, for some reason, that everything else is not worth showing. And I can't write anything decent on a computer. I have to write it on paper. It has to come from my hands, you know? I don't feel like it's really mine unless it's in my handwriting, and I can see all the words I crossed out and rewrote. Freshly edited computer text seems unreal to me because there's no visible history-- you can't see where the writer changed their mind and thought of something new. It strikes me as sterile and impersonal. And I don't want to be sterile or impersonal.

But at the same time, I know this is just an excuse, and that the real reason I don't write is because I'm afraid. Afraid to appear anything less than perfect, afraid to show others there are vulnerable spaces. And I know I'll never be the person I want to be if I don't transcend those feelings.

So here I go.